Monday, July 14, 2008

Howling at the moon

I don't know how you are coping in this world as it gets more claustrophobic & constricted by the day, but I'm gagging.

My greatest solace & soothing at present comes from good friends who are not afraid to speak openly & question.

Within the confines & I do most certainly mean 'confines' of daily life I am floundering. The voice that I switched off many years ago seems to be demanding now to speak, but the society which created the need for that, is not at all receptive. I seem to be biting my tongue a lot, I am angry at work, I am angry at how hard it it is just to get by & I'm furious that I have allowed myself to settle for such a 'little life' - if I were a wolf right now, I'd be howling long & hard at the moon.

I am in the process of reading a book called the Birth of Pleasure by Carol Gilligan. It is an exquisitely elegant & heart-filled book that I recommend to all whose souls are crying out. It deals with the loss of our voices & our deep fears that pleasure always leads to pain & many other wonderful, wonderful things that need to be said & heard.

I was reading a little at lunchtime at work today, it's too rich to read too much at once, when I came across this quote from Luce Iriagary, a French feminist :-

"What I wanted from you, Mother, was this,
That in giving me life
You too remained alive."

The reason I include this was that it resonated deeply. When I have looked back on my none to brilliant childhood & thought' if there was one thing I could change about that time, what would it be? The answer has been that I would have wanted my mother to be alive - now she was vertical & breathing, but that's not what I call alive - I imagined a mother who had vitality, energy & a life of her own, because that would have meant that I could have had one too. I didn't need magical powers or money or toys or whatever. As long as I was unrestricted I had no doubt that I could make my life whatever I wished. And that's the thing, we don't need all the gimmicks & the time saving devices & the entertainment if we are unrestricted.

Unrestricted, we would have the all the monumental creativity, ingenuity, humour & friendship to 'MacGuyver' any situation & have a bloody good time to boot.

That's it I just needed to howl out some frustration. Feel free to join in.