Friday, December 5, 2008

Telling stories

Some weeks ago I wrote about a book that suggested that humanity is in the throes of remembering the cataclysm that once nearly destroyed the earth & that all the present apocalyptic stories are more to do with this, than as a forerunner for another 'naughty humans' punishment.

A couple of weeks later I had an intense personal experience. In order to write this article it means I have to give away some information that I might prefer to keep to myself, however I have to say that keeping things to myself has not perhaps worked so well for me in the past, so maybe it is time to let go a little more.

Despite the twinning messages of the 'rich & famous' & 'catastrophe' that bombard us daily from each & every media outlet, our lives generally go on as they always do. I believe most people carry great personal pains & struggles within them. Most of the time they are carried silently, without complaint, accepting the generation upon generation premise that 'life's a bitch so get used to it'. I no longer accept this crap & will travel whatever routes feel right in order to experience whatever truth is.

The other week Michael from Hidden Agendas posted the 20 Keys of Conscious Creation from Gregg Braden's The Divine Matrix - Numero 18 had this to say "The root of our “negative” experiences may be reduced to one of three universal fears (or a combination of them): abandonment, low self-worth, or lack of trust."

For me this was spot on & my experience of a few weeks past really brought this home to me.

I have carried round all my life an almost living feeling of abandonment & betrayal - it follows me through each & every day - we are like conjoined twins. I cannot give a good enough reason from this lifetime to explain it & yet up until a few weeks ago I would have delved into my past & pulled up some examples & believed surely these must be the reason.

It was two intense feelings of abandonment & betrayal, in one day that finally did it for me. I must add here that these are my personal feelings, which more often than not methinks have bugger all to do with what actually happens.

On that day, two friends seemed to pull the rug out from under my feet - the first opened up the flood gates & the second unleashed the tsunami. I reached a saturation point when I could no longer contain-ignore the feelings as I normally do. I found myself completely engulfed in a combination of intense dread & whole-body nausea. I remember trying to make a dash for the bathroom, but something seemed to happen to my vision & the walls in my house seemed to be moving & I felt sure I would crash into them. I did make it to the bathroom & just crashed onto my knees - I remember the sound , but did not feel the pain. I got through that, but the searing intensity of that event turned my life upside down - never have I felt anything like that before. I have felt panic & fear but this was way beyond either of those.

Later, I talked to my son for a while as I've learned that is a great way to ground myself & I was able to absorb his sense & calmness.

Nevertheless the intensity stayed with me through the next day. At work I took myself off to the warehouse & engaged in hours of manual labour as I went over & over the feelings of the night before - what had happened? I had emailed a friend earlier trying to describe the feeling & had said it was like being marched off to execution. As I worked with my hands & let my mind wander, that thought returned & somehow it 'clicked' - had I re-experienced another time, another life where I had been betrayed & executed? While this may sound melodramatic I have to say that it did not feel so. As I mentioned previously, I have walked daily with a sense, an expectation, of betrayal & abandonment that I have accepted because it's always there, but done my best to ignore or drown out. I have always had an intense dislike of anything to do with executions. However I had never connected the two until the that full-body sense of dread overpowered me.

How would you or I feel if someone came to take you away to execution, especially if it came about through a betrayal of trust. I am tying these two notions together because my body did & I have for some time now felt that our bodies are a treasury of memories & knowledge which we have forgotten how to access.

Another possibility is that these are not my past life memories but a genetic imprint passed down through DNA. Whether it be this or something else again, these feelings have impacted my life & I have restricted the paths I've walked, because of them.`

Last night I went for a walk, I was feeling some of the chaotic emotions, which I have been working with lately. I thought about how it feels for me - how my particular form of intense emotional pain manifests - the thought-feeling came of having my heart ripped out. This led on to thinking of the Aztec sacrifices, something I was deeply interested in, during my teenage years. So I wondered some more. There must be many, many people who might describe their feeling of deep emotional pain in similar terms - could that particular emotional feeling of pain, have manifested itself through the Aztec rituals - could the emotional feel of having your heart ripped out of your chest have somehow created a physical counterpart? Does what we feel, get transformed into a physical story?

The more I look at life as a multi-layered story the more it makes sense - stories emerge where before there was a nonsensical jumble of unrelated occurrences.

What if our stories are just waiting for us to hear? What if our lives having been telling & retelling our stories throughout this & other life times? What if it's now really important that we listen, because there are things we need to do, instead of just rehashing the past.

So as I walked last night, I mulled over my Aztec ideas.

I saw within my life how I have twice experienced what could have been a personal re-enactment of an Aztec sacrifice ritual. I have had two children, both born by cesarean section. My first child died & I almost bled to death with him. A little over a year later my son was born, this time all went well but immediately after he was taken out of my body, I experienced an intense pain in my chest (it was by epidural so I was awake) - this pain was so bad that I needed several injections directly into that area to numb it - I had forgotten about this till last night. Was my body telling me about a story that I needed to remember & heal because if I don't, I can't break out of an endless cycle. Is that what this present time is about - a chance for our own personal healing?

My son suffers from something akin to irritable bowel syndrome. Now I have been looking at things like diet & lifestyle, but last night I wondered if his body is telling a story. Some years ago I had to rush him to hospital where he had his appendix removed. I thought of how we would describe his symptoms - gut wrenching, stabbing? - what if his body is telling him about some terrible wounding he experienced in a previous life. He is very interested in the World Wars of the last century. I've noted he has often referred to bayonets. Could surgical operations be a way of re-experiencing past woundings or guttings?

I have a friend who suffers from Asthma. Again I let my mind wander - first it went to the gassing in the nazi concentration camps, but then quickly I found myself in the trenches of WWI, recalling what I have read about the terrible gassing that took place there.

"The British Official History, after a gas attack stated, "90 men died from gas poisoning in the trenches; of the 207 brought to the nearest dressing stations, 46 died almost immediately and 12 after long suffering."

"Estimates are that approximately 113,000 tons of chemical weapons were used from 1915 to 1918, killing some 92,000 people and injuring over one million people."

What if the great numbers of asthma cases now, are people whose bodies are re-enacting horrendous physical & emotional suffering from these times. Or perhaps a life lived in the coal mines or some other such inhuman existence where breathing was a 'luxury.'

What happens to the intense energy created by hideous suffering & death - where does it go? Does it stay with us, locked into DNA or does it become part of the 'collective unconscious' or is it trapped in the aether? Does this energy need recognition & transformation?

What if this present time is not about ascension or moving onward or upward to the 4th, 5th or 600th dimension. What if it's power lies in the potential for healing that makes moving anywhere else unnecessary. Perhaps what we are trying to escape from is simply our own wounding & wounded. Perhaps healing is what we came here to do. Could it be that the multitude of diseases we are seeing throughout the world are stories & the more we refuse to listen the more insistent the story tellers become because that is our way home.

I mentioned these ideas to my son & we talked of cancer, one of today's most prominent diseases. He suggested that it could be a re-enactment of the plague, because he felt there was a similarity in the percentage of people affected. When the 'c' word is mentioned it is often related to 'lumps.'

From wiki: The total number of deaths worldwide is estimated at 75 million people, approximately 25–50 million of which occurred in Europe . The Black Death is estimated to have killed 30% to 60% of Europe's population It may have reduced the world's population from an estimated 450 million to between 350 and 375 million in 1400.
The plague is thought to have returned every generation with varying virulence and mortalities until the 1700s. During this period, more than 100 plague epidemics swept across Europe."
Where did the emotions generated by this awful suffering go? Does the energy just disappear because people die? Or is it here with us today seeking to be transformed by us instead of being locked into a vicious cycle of destruction?

Are our memories resurfacing? Is there a thinning in the veil between past & present? Is it possible that our bodies & their emotional stories are seeking to be heard? If this were so it could be a good reason why the PTB are creating such havoc - daily churning our already chaotic emotions to drown out that which we need to see & feel & hear. This could also explain the constant onslaught against our bodies in the form of poisonous foods, vaccinations, pollution while our minds are programmed & overloaded.

I also find it interesting how readily people are to talk of their physical illnesses & yet how how unacceptable or shaming it is to talk of emotions & feelings which perhaps are the real wounded story-tellers. Would illness be necessary if we understood & honoured our own stories? I also find it interesting that story-telling has been taken out of our mouths & hands & is placed into a few 'talented' writers in this world. The types of stories, the correct use of words, the creativity is the sole rite of a very small section of society. Yet I have never come across anyone who knew or could tell my story, sometimes I have seen glimmers, but you can't travel very far on a glimmer.

I have always found much healing in the honesty & straight talk of others & that is what I decided to post this article. We are all story-tellers every day of our lives. At present it seems that are bodies are doing the telling but perhaps one day soon we will step up & tell our stories so that we don't have to keeping swallowing the bs called history.